If you’ve been checking in with me regularly for the last month or so, you’ll find I’ve been rocking the 30 for 30 challenge, and giving you lots of pictures of outfits and very few personal stories. And it’s been a lot of fun. In fact, it’s been a bit of an escape for me. Posting pictures of what I’ve been wearing has been a lot easier than being honest with you, because the last month or so has been really hard, and I tend to hide out rather than spread the negative. But writing is cathartic for me, almost as natural as breathing, and without it my voice seems so little lately. I need someone to hear me. Now, let me just warn you, if what you want is an outfit pic, come back later. If you don’t want me to be a little pathetic and a little self-indulgent, definitely stop reading right now. Let me just tell you a little bit about cycles, though.
My poor baby is teething. He’s been teething for a long time now, and my usually sweet and happy-go-lucky son has not been getting enough sleep, therefore spending a lot of time whining. This stresses me out, which stresses Nate out, which makes things tense between us, which then stresses us both out even more, which I’m sure makes Milo sleep even less. Do you see this vicious cycle here? I dreamed last night that he popped through five teeth on the bottom, all at once, and based on the way things have been going, I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened. I want to enjoy every single moment with my baby, but lately I’ve been thinking, “If we can just get through this… If the next few weeks could just speed by…” So now put me on a guilt cycle and ride it all over town because all I want is to be a supremely perfect and delightful wife and mommy.
Add to that what I would call the friend cycle. Old friends, new friends… People come in and out of your life. Some stay longer than others. Some you’re glad to see go, and some you wish would stay forever. I know that people are here for seasons, for one reason or another, and I guess right now is my lonely season. I’m used to being surrounded with friends, especially because I’m such an extrovert, but in the last few months, it seems everyone is going and very few are staying… Taking steps back because I don’t attend the same church, because I don’t work in the same place, because we don’t believe exactly the same things, because I’ve said one thing and they’ve heard another… And to me, none of this changes the fact that I’m (sometimes) funny, (most of the time) kind, (always) loyal, (overly) sensitive, and definitely just me. I will laugh louder than anyone at your jokes, cry with you when you’re down, defend you no matter what, tell you “I have a great idea” at least 3 times a day, and pray the house down for whatever you need. Gross. Now I'm clawing to get out of the self-pity cycle, which I have gotten stuck in way too many times, and I'm sounding beyond pathetic. Please don't think I'm saying call me and take me to lunch (haha).
May I be honest? I’m tired of all these cycles. I might like a cakepop cycle, where I just get a different flavored cakepop every single day. Or a bicycle built for three. Or even a clothes cycle, where new clothes just magically appear in my closet and old clothes that I don’t wear just phase out… But life is a cycle, and I need to remember that the yucky, uncomfortable seasons always roll around to brand new, shiny, beautiful ones. I guess that’s all I’ve got today. Outfit of the day to come, funny stories to come, cheery Kate to come again really soon. Thanks for listening.
I am glad the world cycled back around and that we are friends again! Not that we weren't friends in the intermediate time, but we were definitely out of regular touch for several years. So glad we're back!
ReplyDeleteE, you are totally right. I'm adding that to the list of good cycles. In fact, you actually go ahead of cakepops and outfits! :)
ReplyDeleteI sure hope you are right! lol. No, I know life is a cycle & I feel like I can relate to what you are saying in A LOT of ways. ok, maybe not the kid thing, but everything else. I guess we just have to trust that those friends &/or family who cycle in and out of our lives are all part of Gods plan...
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of the cakepop a day cycle :) As a matter of fact, I think we should actually start that cycle immediately! ;)
ReplyDeleteCakepop cycle sounds interesting. Teething babies are the worse. They are all cute until they start teething. I think as a teen I was scared off having my own children after I babysat a teething baby, (her parents didn't share that with me)....lol. But seriously, I think most new Moms go through the cycles you are describing. You are at home busy with baby while others' lives are moving in a different direction. Perhaps finding a new Mom group or a playgroup where you have a common interest with the other Moms would help? Or even just making a schedule and sticking to it for a while (including time for you to do what you like) would help?
ReplyDelete