Dear Fire Ants of East Texas,
I am a white woman living in America...
Oh wait, wrong letter... (Thanks a lot, White Chicks.)
I am a tired toddler mother with a special request. I would like to respectfully ask you to back the h*ll off. While I appreciate the attention to detail you give in biting me 93% of the time I walk outside, no matter the weather conditions, time of year, or temperature, I would like to suggest that your attentions might be more profitably spent elsewhere, for example, terrorizing thieves, murderers, and otherwise unsavory criminal types. We have no shortage of them in the area, I'm sure.
I must admit, your care and concern in biting me instead of Milo, despite the fact that he was the one who accidentally uncovered your underground lair (And by the way, what's up with that? Are you not insidious enough without having an underground hideout similar to a supervillain's?), was thoughtful. And it was nowhere as painful as the pejaje debacle of 2011. But I propose that just because the Texas sun is as hot as the fires of hell, you keep in mind that I do not need to be tortured as if I had descended to Sheol myself. Thank you for your time.